Life, Death, and Angst

me with my mom in 1967

My mom died last week. She was 77.

She had been sick for several months, but I didn’t realize how serious it was, because she’d been sick for most of her life, really. She had been in and out of hospitals for my whole life. Even before I was born. So I didn’t realize this was different.

And then I got a message that she was in hospice.

And before I could really get used to that, the next day I got a phone call that she had died that morning.

It all happened so fast.

And then there was her funeral. And two days later I turned 54. But for the first time ever, she didn’t call to wish me a happy birthday. I don’t have a mom anymore.

I didn’t always have the best relationship with her. We didn’t see eye to eye on a lot of things, and she was very critical of me at times.

But she taught me how to sew. And she taught me how to do long division when my fifth grade teacher seemed to be pulling numbers out of her ass. And she read a lot, so I observed that reading was a thing that people did for pleasure.

I know she loved me, even if it didn’t feel like it sometimes. But now she’s gone.

And now I’m 54, and I’m looking back on the past year, and I’m thinking, man, that was a really shitty year. A few good things happened, but mostly really shitty things happened.

Rob left me and told me he had never been in love with me. That’s pretty shitty. I had a several month fibro flare and major depression. Shitty. I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Good to finally get a diagnosis, but shitty to have it. I became destitute. Shitty. I gained 30 pounds in about six months. Shitty. I met Russell. Yay, finally a good thing. I fell and broke my wrist. Totally shitty. It still hurts. I started taking coding classes online. Good. And then my mom died. That’s just totally shitty.

I am due for a lot of good stuff to start happening.

Do you hear that, Universe? Good stuff. I am due for good stuff to happen. A lot of good stuff needs to happen to me now.

 

One thought on “Life, Death, and Angst”

  1. Yes, you do. You so very much do deserve good things to happen now.

    As far as your mother goes, you know some of what I went through with my own… all I can say is, some mothers, they love you as much as they are capable of loving you, and sometimes it isn’t the way they’re “supposed” to love you, all unconditional and shit. Sometimes, as with mine, love is meted out with conditions attached, and the measure given equals the measure of how well the conditions were (or weren’t) met. And it’s no sin not to love them back. But they’re the mother you get, and it still hurts when they leave. It might be that the unfinished business is what hurts the most, or the dreams that one day it will be different, but now that day won’t ever come. And so this is how it is, and how it must be, and it sucks.

    I’m sorry you’ve had such a shitty time of it. It’s not fair at all. I hope the amount of good on the way far outweighs its weight in the shittiness you’ve dealt with. I hope the good more than makes up for the shitty.

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