Life Sucks, And Then It Sucks Some More.

So you all know I’m broke, and I’ve been looking for a job while also trying to get people to buy my handmade jewelry or handspun yarn or hire me for web design.

Yesterday I took a break from all that and went for a walk. And I slipped in the slush and fell and either sprained or broke my wrist. I’ll find out which later today. Meanwhile I’m typing this with one hand. And I’m cursing the pain with every passing second.

Having the use of only one hand and being in excruciating pain makes it pretty hard to work on a website. Or write a cover letter. Or make jewelry. Or spin yarn.

Meanwhile, my bank balance keeps growing more and more negative. I need money, and I need it at a rate that outpaces the overdraft fees. (I called and got them to reverse some, but not all of the recent overdraft fees.)

Here are the ways you can help me:

• donate money to me here, now

• buy handmade jewelry I’ve already made

• buy handspun yarn I’ve already spun

• commission custom spinning with your fiber  (pay 50% up front, and the rest upon completion. I will begin work on your project when my wrist allows. The first to order is the first in the queue)

• commission a website. Contact me to tell me what you want. We’ll discuss the project and agree upon a price. You’ll pay 50% up front, and the rest upon completion. I will begin work on your project when my wrist allows. The first to order is the first in the queue.

• share this with your friends!

Thanks!


Looking for a day job

Sadly, I’m not making enough money to live on from jewelry sales. The good news is, I’m feeling well enough now that getting a day job is a possibility. A few months ago, I was afraid I was going to have to go on disability. Neuroplasticity for the win!

The bad news is, looking for a job sucks. Once I eliminate all the job postings that I’m not remotely qualified for, the ones that require driving (which I haven’t done since…2003? and swore I’d never do again), the ones that pay far less than a living wage (yeah, the reason I’m looking for a job is so I can make enough to live on, not so I can continue to be poor), the ones I am not physically capable of doing, the ones I am ethically opposed to, the ones that I would absolutely detest, the ones I would be horrible at, well…I applied for one job.

I’m waiting for a call back from a career counselor.

I think I just don’t know what to look for or where to look for it. I have skills. But I don’t know what the jobs are that require those skills.

part of my current resume

I know from experience that if I do the same thing all day long, every day, I will become severely depressed. I am intelligent and creative, and I need to be challenged. I’m really good at solving problems. I need to use my brain.

I’m not going to stop making jewelry, but it’s going to be a side gig, and once I find a job, it’s going to take a while to adapt to working full time somewhere before I have the energy to do anything else. In an ideal world, I could find something part time that paid enough to live on, but in an ideal world, my toenails would trim themselves, and I could eat four pounds of chocolate every day and neither gain weight nor get a migraine.

If you happen to know of a job opening in Ann Arbor that would be a good fit for me, could you give me a heads up? Thanks!

The F word

So. A few days ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

I figured it was probably either that or chronic fatigue syndrome, so I wasn’t surprised.

I had assumed it started after I was sick for six months in 2005. I was utterly exhausted, and they never did figure out what was wrong with me. After that, I had periods where I felt ok, and then periods where I was exhausted. The periods of exhaustion have been lasting longer and longer with much shorter periods of feeling ok in between.

I’ve spent the last few days learning more about fibromyalgia (this is a video of one of Dan Clauw’s lectures from last year). Watching it made me realize I’ve probably had fibromyalgia my whole life, or at least since I was a small child, and all of my other chronic conditions are actually symptoms of it. Different manifestations.

Later it dawned on me that when I was sick in 2005, that was probably actually a six month long flare.

This is all sort of making my head swirl. Ok, I really only have one chronic condition, not nine. That’s a major change. That’s good.

On the other hand, it’s a really major chronic condition that affects everything. That’s bad.

It explains a lot. It explains why I’ve never had much energy. It explains why  there’s pretty much always some part of my body that hurts. There always has been. When I was a kid I had sore throats and earaches all the time, then aching knees, then headaches, then backaches. It just went on and on.

Right now my entire back is killing me. My left arm is screaming. My shoulders ache. My neck is very unhappy. This has been my normal for the last several months.

It explains why I have never in my entire life woken up and felt rested. Ever. No matter how much sleep I got.

I can’t help but wonder how my life would have different, could have been different, if I had been diagnosed decades ago?

But not much has been understood about fibromyalgia until very recently. Many doctors didn’t even consider it real until very recently. So I really couldn’t have been diagnosed decades ago.

But you know? I still wonder. Because for decades I’ve been wondering, why can’t I just work harder, why can’t I just get my shit together, and earn an actual living like other people? Why do I have to be so fucking tired all the time? Why am I so fucking lazy? Why I am suck a slacker? What is fucking wrong with me?!

Oh.

Fibromyalgia is wrong with me. It’s not me being a lazy slacker who can’t get her shit together. It’s me trying the hardest I can and wearing myself out because I just don’t have any more in me.

So yeah. I can’t help but wonder how my entire life would have been different if this had been diagnosed and treated decades ago.

I’m grieving the past I never had.

It’s a process.

In a few days I’ll start to process the idea of a present and of a future. Right now that’s too much to wrap my head around.

Slowly I get things done

I added five new pairs of earrings to the shop last week. Like a turtle wading through molasses, I’m finally showing them to you now. [I finally got a diagnosis for my exhaustion and pain. I have fibromyalgia. I’m not happy to have it, but I’m glad to finally have a diagnosis. I’ll be writing more about that in a later post. As you might imagine, I have a lot to say about it.]

But for now, earrings. All images link to their respective listings in the shop.

Copper moonscape earrings

Perforated sterling silver earrings with lapis

Foldformed bumpy copper earrings with lapis and bronzite

Foldformed copper earrings with kambaba jasper

Copper and silver earrings with Chinese turquoise

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I started a Patreon – what that means

If you’ve been following me for any length of time, you know that I have several invisible disabilities, most of them intermittent. Unfortunately they’re getting worse, and some of them aren’t so intermittent anymore.

I’d really like to keep working (I still have so many ideas!), but between the pain and the lack of energy, well, work isn’t happening so much. It’s not just the making. It’s the photography, the marketing, the shipping, the bookkeeping. It all takes energy. And without all of it, a business doesn’t work. And if the business doesn’t work, I don’t make enough money to live.

I’m in the beginning stages of applying for disability. And I started a Patreon.

If you’re not familiar with Patreon, it’s a place where creators (like me) can set up a site and patrons (like you) can subscribe to a membership community. Depending on the level you subscribe at, you get access to posts I write that I don’t post anywhere else, the haiku I compose about insomnia and pain, free knitting patterns, discounts on my jewelry and handspun yarn, access to a private Facebook group, and a pair of handmade earrings each month.

If you’d like to subscribe and become part of my community (for as little as $1 a month!), it would mean the world to me! Become a Patron today!

Thank you!

Become a Patron